ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
