Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
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