He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
