I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
