i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize