dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
