you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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