if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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