White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
