If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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