he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
