I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
