you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just pee around me
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
