you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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