let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
