saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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