I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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