I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize