If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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