I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
