the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
