She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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