If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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