that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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