The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
