He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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