Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize