I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
