Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
