Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
