I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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