out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
