I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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