oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
