Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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