I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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