Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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