i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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