My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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