I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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