Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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