First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
