i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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