i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
