I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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