dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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