Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
