i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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