I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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