a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
