Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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