im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
