when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I cut my penus on the lid.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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