I wish my penis had an off switch
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
