3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
