We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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