I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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