Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
sex in a hospital.. check
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
