Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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