I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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