He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
