smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
