I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
