Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
