Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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